I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
