Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nutella sex= disaster
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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