A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
