I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
