everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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