Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
