Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
