Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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