Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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