if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
