All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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