How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
