you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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