It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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