I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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