in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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