you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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