1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
