my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
