mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
