I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
