he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
