you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
