The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
