feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
