Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
