im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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