There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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