woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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