seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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