I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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