How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
