i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Bring me that man meat
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