I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
