Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
