I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
