apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just pee around me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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