I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.