I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
