this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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