we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
