So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
