Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
