So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
