She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
