I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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