Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
