i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
