I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
