the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...