I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dating After Heartbreak
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.