He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night