the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
