did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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