I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
