She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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