just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
