You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
