I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
