im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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