Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
